A Struggle

I've been struggling a little recently. I struggle with the fact that sometimes for days at time I don't just LOVE my job. The stay at home Mom thing. The thing is I know there isn't anywhere I would rather be, even though I really did love my other job as a hygienist. There is no one thing I can even put my finger on, it's just some days I am tired of preschool drop off and pick-up visiting teaching, church meetings and callings, play dates, scouts and flag football. Then there's mess after mess and meal after meal and snacks in between. I bought a friend a birthday gift two weeks before her birthday and thought I was so on top of things, I would send it and she could open it early. Now that gift remains on top of my fridge. Her birthday was in February.... Then when I get tired of of all these day to day things I start feeling guilty...guilty that I have so much: Kids, a wonderful husband, good employment, the gospel, family and friends.

I sometimes struggle to find the Joy in the Journey. I know when I look for it it's there, it's just remembering to look for it.

I've started trying to make small changes to enrich my life as a mother in little ways. I've only recently discovered podcasts, and listen to them from time to time while I fold the mounds and mounds of laundry that come as a result of those sweet kids and husband I have. I often choose topics on motherhood or listen to the "power of Moms" podcasts. I think the hardest thing for me is wanting to do and be more and yet staying true to who I really am. There are moments that I want to make over who I am completely. I wish to be calmer, less intense, more refined etc. but then I realize that while I'm extremely intense and wish I could change that, it's that same intensity that allows me to do and accomplish all that I do. I don't need to change who I am I just need to try to become the best version of myself.

I hate cheesy. I don't do cheesy. When I was called to be primary president several years ago I was sure they had gotten it wrong, because I don't do cheesy or cutesy and surely both of those are a prerequisite for a calling like that, right? Thankfully they said at that time with it being a brand new ward that needed to be organized and "staffed", they needed someone to get in there and "get it done". When I was released they called a wonderful, kind and loving, and may I add calm woman to serve.

Now, the reason I bring up the cheesy is because so many of the "good" mom blogs that I follow, books I read, or podcasts I listen to, and include women who seem to have it all "figured out" are great examples of magnifying their calling as mother, and yet there is so often a huge dose of "cheese" that comes with it and I just don't see that working for me...until tonight. I have read and heard about a little "exercise" one of these women's father did when she was young and she now does with her kids from time to time. She sits each child down individually and with a pen writes the first letter of something they are good at or makes them special on the tip of each of their fingers. Well, tonight after a particularly long and tiring day of mothering I was putting the girls to bed when I noticed a marker on the floor of their bedroom. I remembered this idea of the letters on the fingertips and decided to give it a try.

It was a really good thing to do. It was nice to take a quick minute and really think of 10 things that made each of them special. At first I just started with the 1 hand, but they were so excited about their little letters, repeating over and over to themselves what made them each special that of course I pulled them again into my lap to finish with the other hand. Things like C-creative A-artist S-Special L- loving H-helpful. The girls went happily to bed with smiles on their faces and blue marker all over their finger tips, and I will go to bed knowing at the very least I'm doing my very best and maybe a little bit of cheese isn't so bad after all.